How do we begin this walk with the Lord, where He is able to do this massive restructuring of our body, soul and spirit. I do not have the answer to this because it comes through each persons relationship with the Lord, I just know it’s important for me to tell my story. I hope at some point our lives with God intersect and I can learn from you and you for me.
There has been many starts but this story is not linear, which is why it is challenging to communicate its magnitude. This piece of the transformation comes in the middle but it’s impact was so foundational I want to lead with it. I had by this time walked with the Lord for at least twenty plus years when the Lord called me to Texas to ministry school. As beautiful as this experience was, it was not without its own set of frustrations. After several semesters of school in my sixties, humbling myself to thirty year olds who held me and others my age with contempt, I was in a full blown argument with the Lord. My pain was at its full blown heights. Again I felt like a punching bag for everyone, my mother, my husband, all of my family(except my children, who for some reason always got it!). Now I was in this huge school being essentially ridiculed, shunned and worse ignored because of my age. The thought was why spend any energy on these “oldie Hawns” as my witty beautiful youngest daughter delightfully coined this phrase. Even in this euphemism she has so much respect, which I now see as a gift in her life and how much joy she has brought to my life! But there you have it, hence my frustration with the Lord.
I was sitting in a morning session in the sanctuary when one of the leaders was again calling out specific people to give attention to the “ones called” and of course in their eyes I an oldie Hawn and was definitely not a called one. In fact the assumption was I had missed it, ignored the call at the crucial time. The fruit of judgement is bitter. I can’t even express how loud I was with the Lord here, my conversation with Him was like you know Lord how much this two year stint in ministry school in Texas is costing me, I’m a retired public school teacher, all of my retirement is being consumed in this venture, on and on. Why Lord must this ridicule continue? When all of a sudden I FELT like I might die! Literally all the color left my face as I turned to my friend and said I feel like I’m dying! The Lord literally reached down in my innermost being and yanked out a lie and held the lie right in my face and asked me what is this?? Trembling I responded.. I believe that you Lord have left me behind, that I have never been chosen and others are more important than me. The Lord asked me what is the truth, I said and I believe you will never leave me, nor forsake me. What came out of that experience is the Lord walking me out of every lie that my soul took as truth about who I am and who He is. The journey has been so beautiful and as each lie is removed and truth implanted, I’m living from the personality the Lord created and not the one formed from my dysfunctional upbringing. What a journey!!!
Comments