Have you recognized behavior patterns in your life that seemingly no amount of prayer and behavior management can affect? I know the Lord is faithful to journey with us until He can reveal the actual root of some our behavior patterns that have refused to leave. I’m not saying I have finally uprooted one the most devastating physical behavior pattern in my life, but the Lord is faithfully revealing more and more of how this root was formed.
I have long held this pattern of behavior which carries the archetype of a lack of self love. An archetype is defined when a string of behaviors is tied to a common experience in people’s lives. A common thread in people with sugar addiction or carbohydrate lovers is a lack of self love. The Lord gave me a series of words that finally gave definition to this very specific pattern of behavior. At various times in my life I have found myself standing in the kitchen ingesting large quantities of cookies, or cake or some sugary desert. I could rationalize in the very doing of it and tell my legs to walk away, or tell my hands to put the fork down, but yet I am still doing what it is that I don’t want to do. I knew some things from observation about this behavior, it is usually worse when there has been a major life event. I can remember standing in the kitchen with the leftover cake from Katie’s wedding and thinking this is the best cake I have ever tasted, while eating way too much of it. See it feels like love is leaving when our children grow up and marry and leave, but,oh the greed, around any love that showed up in my life and then threatened to leave. But the cruelty of this archetypical behavior comes in the day to day knowing that I need it to manage life. All other foods are sacrificed on this alter of sugary deserts. I could go on and on in nauseous detail around the patterns of this behavior. This has been the object of my prayers and my own behavior modification for decades. Is the Lord deaf? Is the Lord just not interested in my trouble and my sin? Absolutely not! He has healed and has revealed to me many lies that I believe so He can get me to this point of revelation. On this day....on this glorious day I am finally able to receive the very core of this lie that has single-handily sought to destroy my health and side-lined my walk with the Lord. How can you fully trust the Lord in every part of your life if there is a reliance for security in a created thing.
The Lord in His gracious love and brilliance strung together these words: not worthy of love ... fear... mother withhold love..... fear ....mother withhold sustenance( breast milk)from you? This fear of abandonment is connected to the sweet breast milk and the fear of not receiving it and love. The resulting behavior is this “greed” over the sugar, with an even greater fear of losing love as a result of the greed. I then hate myself, for surely I am worthy of hate which is further confirmed by no love in my life. I can’t love until I love myself. With those words the very core of my identity has been exposed as a lie. My identity is not found in abandonment by my mother, because the Lord carried me in His heart for eons and eons and placed me in my mother’s womb for nine months. He says He will never leave me nor forsake me. My belonging is in Him and not my mother. I am so loved by my Father, and I am created in His image which sets me up for an incredible destiny. I love because He first loved me. I forgive myself for believing lies even about myself, and I ask my Father to forgive me for believing those lies. He came in my humiliation and transforms and fashions me anew to conform to and be like the body of His glory and majesty by exerting that power which enables Him even to subject everything to Himself. Philippians 3:21. My Savior saves! He has the power to subject the lies I believed to His truth! Amen
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