Kathryn Ellen Stewart September 9, 1930~April 15, 2025. Mama

In these days with you in assisted living, I feel as though we really have no life together. I took some of your old clothing as we were cleaning out your house and found a black sweater that fits me perfectly. As winter turns into spring, I find that black sweater and put it on as I rise. I sense your presence and feel your smile and your hug. The sweater is the bridge from you to me that I have waited a lifetime to experience. It's the only hug I will get from you. Of course, you will hug me when I visit you, but our eyes will not lock in that knowing smile that I have longed from you.

The Mama that flies through the halls of the Retreat, holding on to the roller walker, long hair flying and the nightgown flapping behind, still insists on the star role in her life. I have no entry way in which to relate to you. I watch you from afar, as though I hardly know you. I busy myself with the work of paying your bills and managing your affairs, which now requires little from me. The unresolved broken relationship that will never be resolved, leaves me with forgiving you and loving the totality of who you were. The aging process has robbed you of your mind but I know the Lord hasn’t abandoned you. My prayer is that Holy Spirit instructs you in your sleep, giving you comfort and visions of the home that you will soon live in. I thank the Lord that He has given me a real love for you, so I demand the Mama the Lord created you to be to surface healed of all the traumas that sought your life and the beauty of all your precious relationships.

As you slide in and out of other times and worlds, assigning those around you to parts in your current world, we play along. I have been assigned to carry out other parts and performances, not my best performance because my heart isnt into it! I know in my heart that other people are taking care of you in these final days of your life as I seek roles in this stage of your life that are very necessary, but allow me to maintain a distance.

I console myself in the face of what will never be, but my Father in His infinite compassion by agency of the Holy Spirit through the life of His precious Son mothers me like no other mother. He sends great mothers' through the relationship of friends and a man of great compassion that speaks to me through the spirit, which deeply satisfies my need for connection.

Now Mama, as we have traveled these last few weeks of your declining health and subsequent death, the Lord answered my prayers. Even as your consciencousness was robbed, you rose above it and whispered my name in the hearing of my sister alone. In that one communication I understood all that was unspoken, and Kathy understood the importance of the summond communicating it with urgency. I graciously understood the importance of the last words we would speak to each other, and I got to tell you I loved you and you responded mouthing the words I love you too, but your eyes were rich with love and you were ohhh so peaceful. As I left you on our last time together, you said with a strong voice and that take charge capability, "I'm fine!!! I'm fine!!! And fine you were and fine you are! You chuckled and smiled when you could, and what we saw was sufferring, what you felt was the peace of the Lord even until that final breath.