Day One finds us traveling through the hardest part of the trip, the part with the most traffic, the largest cities. Also making the adjustments of time together, and the nuances of pulling a camper. The nerves of what the trip will be like and what camper life will be like. Releasing into the structure of journey and adventure.
Day Two soon finds us in Iowa, freedom to flourish is it’s state motto. Nervous system is calming, but the changes and the anxiety reared several times before it completely calmed. Now I sit at day twenty two of our trip. Many days of camper living and now we have moved into the cabin. Soon to find the snow and the bitter cold arriving in a day or so. Every camper and cabin occupant has left and the last one other than us leaves tomorrow. We watched as camper after camper pulled out, and cabin dwellers packed their cars leaving us to enjoy the solitude. The days are filled with beauty and adventure. Everyday life back home is far away and we live in this clove of the seasons where fall showed its face for a few weeks and winter is fast approaching, but neither one has claimed its season. I try to make sense of where I am, but my intention is to enjoy every moment in the moment. That one activity is my life now and it has my full attention.
I feel healthier and I’m seeing just how much healing I have received. While I can’t keep up with ease, over time I’m sure I could, although I won’t be given opportunity. I’m content with my river walk daily, and try not to imagine a grizzly joining me. I faithfully carry my bear spray hoping to never confront one. I use every opportunity to heal my nervous system of the years of CPTSD. I recognize my brain has been rewired in unhealthy ways, and constantly ask Holy Spirit to show me truth in every circumstance, not yet trusting the instincts, as they have been trained in survival which is no longer my life. I still wave in and out of hope, but I know the years of hope deferred has had its impact. I try not to get it from my circumstances as I know it doesn’t lie there. I choose to love myself and rely on God’s love for my real hope.
I dread the end of Montana as though that is the end of adventure, but it isn’t. It has been such a big chapter in my life that I want to pull everything I was suppose to see from it. I have spent more weeks here than I have left and constantly brace myself for the end, knowing in so many ways I will never experience anything like this again.
The Lord brought me here to confront shame. Whenever the Lord chooses the timing and the experience you have to know you might feel like you’re going to die.. Before leaving for the trip I experienced some of the worst anxiety I have ever had. I had some very dark thoughts and struggled to pack and I couldn’t enjoy the experience of the anticipation of a big adventure the last few days leading up to it.
Just to go I had to put aside all my religious guilt about going on a trip this big with a man. I knew in my heart this trip was about the work the Lord wanted to do in my life. You can’t explain that one to anyone, all they want to do is shame you into better choices. I believe this is the walk with the Lord that he desires. I do know as one my best friends says, God is bigger than my mistakes and all the shame that travels with it, and He can show me the truth that was there way before I ever knew it was truth. I do know He is using this trip to show me who They really are, God as Father, Son of the eternal Father and the ever gracious, wise and wonderful Holy Spirit and the truth of who I am because of who they are is freeing me.
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