I was just helping a friend move, after all she had invited me. Quickly, I became aware that my usual mode of helping wasn’t what she wanted or needed. I couldn’t just simply box up her things and be rewarded for the number of boxes I had with great sacrifice of effort boxed for her. I began to feel uneasy after the first couple of verbal shutdowns. My expectations had no fulfillment at all, but I loved my friend, and I desperately needed her acceptance and the only way I knew to earn this nebulous emotion is through work. My friend kept thanking me for coming and continued to reiterate her needs, which were to be with her during this move. She continually said, I just want you to sit and be with me while I box my things up. The thank you and the request bounced off me like Teflon. I did not receive the acceptance nor the approval I needed in this intimate exchange. I began to ask the Lord, and He said, the basic lie of rejection is you need someone else’s acceptance and approval to be ok. Not only do I need their acceptance, but I need to control the way I get it. Right here is where relationships get damaged by rejection. I am not getting what I need to feel in control, so let me control and manipulate someone to get that control and if I can’t then I will begin to blame and distance myself from the person. I am grateful that I know when I am not in peace, when something has come between me and Jesus, because at least when these toxic emotions began to surface, I can ask the Lord and He is so faithful to show me. After all I am beginning to spin out of control, and I need to control and manipulate someone in this situation. Only my friend who won’t let me control the way I get acceptance. She responded the way the Lord responds to me; He says just put down your work and be with me. I can’t do anything to earn His acceptance, and I couldn’t earn my friend’s acceptance. He not only accepts me I belong to Him! When your peace with the Lord is disturbed and toxic emotions surface forgiveness is always the way to restoration. I began seeing how this lie had infiltrated so much of my life with a root of control. I began seeking the Lord for forgiveness of this sin of believing a lie and even partnering with rejection as a belief that all people will reject me unless I control every aspect of the relationship. I am so grateful for this experience, and I love thinking about it from my friend’s perspective. How did she do it? She is moving and she had to maintain this decorum of peace and continually reiterate her needs and gratitude, while I am spinning out of control with my need to control. The very roots of this sinful lens were being pulled out of every fiber of my being that it has infiltrated.
Rejection is the antonym to acceptance, approval and belonging to the Father (I belong to the Father) and it has come to us through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. All of us have experienced rejection at some point in our lives, but some of us have developed a world view of rejection. Rejection becomes the lens through which we view life. Rejection is unique among all emotions that brings torment to humankind as it causes tremendous harm to countless numbers of victims. The enemy of our souls comes in on an early traumatic event in our lives and begins twisting our identity with the lie that we need someone's approval to be ok. Not only does rejection make life miserable for individuals themselves, but it destroys relationships and is passed down to subsequent generations. As we come to learn who our Heavenly Father is we come to understand that He is a relational God ever giving Himself away to us. We know that we are made in His image and therefore our very nature is relational. Then what is this enemy to relationship that seems to have power in my life? What lie am I believing about myself or my Father that gives this enemy power? And so, the Lord begins training our senses and mental faculties to discriminate and distinguish between what is good and what is evil and contrary to divine law. Divine law says that the Lord is relational always giving Himself away and we were created in His image.
As the Lord trains us in righteousness our home base is peace. So, every thought and behavior that draws us away from peace becomes an enemy to the will of God. This is the training ground, pay attention to the emotions and the subsequent behaviors. The Lord is in the business of redemption, and He seeks to redeem relationships. If He is in the redeeming business, I am about my Father's business as well. The Lord exposed "a rejection mindset" to me as the enemy and He sought to teach me step by step how He is fighting this enemy to relationship and how I can partner with Him.
As the emotions and subsequent behaviors arise Romans 6:7 becomes my battle cry. For when a man dies, he is freed loosed, delivered from the power of sin among men. Rejection the sin that is common to men in all its forms dies, as it has no power over me nor my relationships. Redemption or love becomes my motive in every relationship. Now the bond of peace becomes the supernatural realm that governs my relationships. Peace is not a feeling although you can feel it, but it is a person, the person of Jesus Christ. Through relationship with Him, peace becomes our Home, and we learn to offer our mind, body, and soul as instruments of righteousness. All the toxins of the victim leave as I am loosed and delivered of the power of the sin of rejection. I live a lifestyle of forgiveness, always forgiving and being forgiving for every thought that takes me away from the PEACE that is my life, my tutor, my guide, and my acceptance. Amen
Thank you: Drs Kerry and Chiqui Wood for the Abba Journey
Drs Jennifer and Dennis Clark for their ministry on Rejection, and Forgiveness
My friend Sheri Palladino who has walked this peace walk with Jesus before me and is gracious to lead me in this walk.
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