I’ve started to believe God is good. He is the one who loves me. He is a redeemer and a restorer. He is redeeming my life and transforming my life from the inside out. He is the one who travels into the darkness of my soul with me and begins the restoration process. I am beginning to believe I am not alone, even when I’m cast back into that deep darkness, I don’t land in that place of utter fear. There is this sense that even when I’m cast into severe heart palpatations or an anxiety malformation, because they aren’t attacks anymore, I know He is with me. In the worst of the horrifying roller coaster He is with me. So the enemy threatens me with death, I know I’ll never die. So the enemy threatens me with you are alone, I know I am not alone. Trust in His goodness is my throughline.
The words death and alone just don’t have the same connotation for me. When those two big fears are dislodged from their power then great restoration happens in our souls. I’ve learned to sit in this space of not knowing the next step, of not having community, completely fulfilling the definition of “alone” and yet trusting in my Father’s goodness. It’s the ability to sit in that trust that personality gets formed, like it should have as a child. Only my childhood experiences formed my personality intertwined with copying mechanisms. Those mechanisms were fear detectors, when they spotted fear then they enlisted the coping structures. They became the platform for my personality.
I can see how emotions dictated how much power death and alone had. Emotions are built on everything that has happened to you in your past, they becomes the lense for your future decisions. But emotions aren’t truth. While they may seem big and protective they can have a distortion. Right here is my throughline.. trust the Lord, specifically Holy Spirit to interpret what’s true. So many times His interpretation is vastly different than mine. Clarity comes with rushes of freedom. It is here where true repentance happens, because the god I created is nothing like Him. How do I know, His goodness makes me other centered. I can fully stand in truth and help someone else see truth.
As I look back on the journey I can see the throughline. All the ways He was leading me I had no explanation for. I just knew that He led me, as one who is dear to my heart said, “and you followed.” I knew I wanted to protect the purity of His leading me, and others seem to want to force me to agree to their revelation, or they want an explanation for mine. I don’t normally have the words for it, which leads into further questioning. It makes me want to further disengage. There is really no rest like this one, and there is no one who can take it from me. Do you want to know the cost? When the Lord ask that question, there is no comparison in this world to freedom and rest. It cost me a giving up of all that I have ever known. The toxic relationships with their inflicted destruction on every part of my being. It cost me believing someone else’s believing trumps my believing. It cost me conformity to the culture of the western church and its leaders. It cost me striving to be heard. It cost me striving to be loved. It cost me more than anything wanting others to change especially since they don’t want to or can’t face their own deep darkness. Inherent in me wanting change in others I wrapped myself in the fact that somehow God was removed from that other persons life. It cost me that huge lie. The lie that I was responsible, and that God had to enticed to help. It has cost me the demolition of so many lies.
What do I do now? I think I’ll play golf, and hike some mountains, drink some wine and hange out with my best friend Holy Spirit.
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