Am I acting in a trustworthy manner? Are there belief systems in my heart or coping mechanisms/defenses that I need to surrender to Christ?
This brand new platform for relationships causes me to rethink every response and handle appropriately the thoughts that pop into my head. That constant protection mechanism doesn’t fair well in a true, whole, trusting relationship. I must edge the other out to make sure I’m protected. That census taking doesn’t have a place in love. I’m recently faced with emotions, needs, pains, and frustrations that I cannot share. My past would dictate pull back protect yourself handle emotions on your own, because no one will allow your emotions a place and you will be rejected. Can I share my hopes and dreams with another? None of these places have I ever lived.
The Lord, who I do trust, and I hear Him laughing, I trust to my level of knowing how, “ Lord, I can’t trust people! The Lord said ‘no you can’t, but you can trust me!’” So every time I get here, looking at myself and circumstance which always lines up to support my fears, my heart goes back to what Father said, I can trust him. Then this heart of mine leaps back into the abyss of love and I know that I know I can also trust myself.
Those who have lived a lifetime in dysfunctional/abusive relationships where coping mechanisms have woven into your personality, becoming who you are, you may find yourself second guessing every nuance in your new relationships. Now we are experiencing solid new relationships that aren’t controlling. You are here because you were delivered from the old toxic relationships and the Lord has given you space to heal, spirit, mind, body and soul. Part of the healing process is to recognize those coping mechanisms that you learned while you were in survival mode that are so comfortable yet no longer necessary and definitely not you.
There is a rage forming when I acknowledge that much of my personality was formed to avoid chaos. Repression and denial for instance worked well as a coping mechanism in my childhood, even now I have very few childhood memories. My particular form of repressed memories are not around traumatic events but was for the life itself. My family of origin was so dysfunctional I repressed all of it. The lack of memories worked well in being gaslit as they could create their altered reality with no kickback from me. This worked along with denial for me especially in the area of getting my needs met, much less meeting the needs of others. The Lord is relational and created us to be relational. The enemy went after the very nature of my being and bankrupt it. The Lord is removing these mechanisms, and I’m receiving huge big gulps of air. Clarity of thought, and hope are being restored. Not to mention my body is healing from the ravages of abuse. Interestingly enough I have experienced episodes of rage especially around religious judgemental people, who attempt to control through judgement. This trigger for me sends me into an uncontrollable rage. In some ways I throw these experiences into the healing bucket. It calls forth my boundaries and says you may not come into my world. It wipes the slate clean because we aren’t willing to talk about shame.
You can imagine how these coping mechanisms do not work in my post delivered life. I am currently making new memories that I get to take into my future. I want to remember every nuance. I also want to first recognize my needs and then allow them to be met in my relationships. Conversely, I want to recognize need in my relationships and lovingly meet those needs. Relational living has been denied in most of all my encounters in the past. Now in retrospect how much did I contribute to recreating dysfunction. I love that it is the Lord Himself that has and does teach me relationship.
Abandonment runs deep. The Lord started here with me and He promises me He will never abandon me. I am watching behavior patterns and I see it still functioning. I don’t know what is harder being with someone or being alone.
Comments